


burden

by woobff



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, chenle's hard time, this is just word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 07:03:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19000777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobff/pseuds/woobff
Summary: five times chenle avoided confronting his feelings and the one time he was confronted





	burden

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is not that good because i'm just writing out my feelings and thoughts so :")

chenle sighed, as he folded the uniform in his hold.

 

it was currently ten pm, the dreamies having just finished their puff live and while the others were out there having fun and eating the dishes they made prior on, chenle was at the resting area alone.

 

don't blame the others.

 

it's just chenle thought he might as well isolate himself for the time being before having to plaster a smile infront of the camera and his members.

 

placing the now folded uniform into the box by him, he leaned back on his seat and lets out a shaky breath.

 

bringing his hand up, he traced the lines on the back of it, feeling a pang of pain in his chest as he felt a lump of lines there.

 

" chenle! " and that was the cue for him to plaster a big smile on his face.

 

" coming hyung! "

 

 

 

1.

 

the music blasting from the speakers have been a norm for the dreamies, especially when it's nearing comeback time.

 

and chenle knew he should be used to it.

 

but he can't because by the time the music played again for the _twelfth_ time, he burst into tears.

 

" chenle? " he heard the soft voice of renjun by his side making him cried harder into his palms.

 

and not a second later, he was brought forward into the embrace of the older, face hidden in the crook of renjun's neck.

 

" is he okay? " jaemin asked, having come back from the music player.

 

" does he look like he is nana? " renjun retort, earning a huff from the other.

 

chenle doesn't know why he cried.

 

maybe it's the pressure of the comeback and has been the center for most parts.

 

maybe it's the pressure of having to hide his true self from the members.

 

he doesn't know why he cried. but that uncertainty just seems to push more tears out of him.

 

" do you wanna rest, lele? " renjun whispered and chenle just whispered back ' yes ' softly.

 

" here or dorm? "

 

" dorm, " with that answer, he was pulled back from the hug along with thumbs stroking his cheeks, wiping the tears away.

 

" _you know you can tell me anything right?_ " the older said in chinese, startling the younger.

 

 _oh_ , he so badly wanted to tell renjun everything.

 

to have a helping hand, a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

 

but he _can't_.

 

so he just tells the lie with a fake smile plastered.

 

" i know hyung, "

 

because renjun doesn't deserve to be burdened with issues. with _him_.

 

 

2.

 

his hand was shaking. and he knew he was screwed.

 

it was currently lunchtime in the dorm and both him jeno were in charge of reheating the leftover food from dinner the day before.

 

and chenle's hand couldn't stop shaking.

 

with his index finger currently under the running water, he watches as it washes away the droplets of blood from the cut.

 

" chenle i reheated the tofu- _shit_ why is your finger bleeding? " he heard jeno carelessly putting down the bowl of tofu on the table.

 

" what happened? " the older asked, turning off the tap before grabbing a plaster nearby and wrapping it around the finger.

 

his hand was still shaking and maybe jeno noticed because as soon as he's done aiding chenle's finger, he interlocks their finger together.

 

" chenle, do you want to talk about it? "

 

" not now hyung, "

 

and if he sees how defeated the older was and the way he strokes his thumb across the lines on the back of chenle's hand, he ignored it.

 

jeno doesn't deserve to be burdened.

 

 

3.

 

" zhong chenlei! " said boy giggled as he felt fingers tickling his side.

 

" aaa haechannie hyung s-stop, " chenle breathes out, eyes crinkle shut as the older didn't stop the attack.

 

the tickling seemed to last forever but with an accidental probe to what haechan figured is a bone, the younger shriek in pain and surprise.

 

" shit chenle, are you okay? " he asked in worry, noticing how the boy has his eyes shut, no longer in amusement but pain.

 

" y-yeah hyung i am, don't worry, " chenle replied, flashing the other a smile he tried to tune out the throbbing pain at the side of his ribcage, where haechan had poked too hard.

 

it wasn't his hyung's fault.

 

" you're eating well right? "

 

" o-of course hyungie, "

 

_lies._

 

because haechan didn't deserve to be burdened.

 

 

 

4.

 

chenle had his head leaned back against the sofa head, the headache never seems to lessen despite the painkillers he ate minutes ago.

 

it was currently NCT's group dance practice, meaning his surrounding was filled with boisterous laughter and endless chattering.

 

wincing at the sudden throb of pain from the back of his head, he hid his face into his palms, just praying for it to fade away.

 

" chenle? " he heard jaemin's voice just as he felt the dip in the seat next to him.

 

" hm? "

 

" are you in pain? " the older asked, hands at the back of his neck, massaging a sore spot.

 

and chenle could only nod and before he knew it he was breaking down in sniffles.

 

he could hear how every conversation in the room came to a halt and he knew it was because of him so he just turned and hid his face in jaemin's chest, hands fisting the hem of the older's shirt.

 

" what's wrong baby? " jaemin whispers, hands rubbing circles on chenle's back, trying to calm down the crying boy

 

" nothing's wrong hyung, "

 

jaemin didn't deserve to be burdened.

 

 

 

5.

 

chenle sighed as he cards his fingers through jisung's brown locks. they were currently resting on the couch, some zombie movie playing as the younger rests his head on chenle's lap.

 

the light illuminated from the screen shone against jisung's face, making the boy look younger and carefree.

 

" you're staring at me hyung, " jisung teased, turning his face from the screen to stare at the older.

 

" you're just cute jisung-ah, " chenle replied, flashing a small smile.

 

" i miss you hyung, "

 

" i've always been with you sung, what do you mean? " the older of the two asked, voice wavering slightly.

 

" i miss you, the old zhong chenle,

 

my _best friend_ , "

 

 

 

+1.

 

" hey guys, " mark greeted, taking a step forward into the practice room, scrunching his nose as the smell of sweat hit his senses fast.

 

" _markie poo_! " a collective set of screams was all he heard before five sets of arms were wrapped around him.

 

after a few minutes, they released him from the group hug, not forgetting the playful cheek kisses left on the oldest member.

 

" how are you guys doi- wait _where's_ chenle? " mark asked, just realizing the absence of a member.

 

everyone looked back at the oldest, unsure if they're supposed to say it or even _tell_ him about what's been going.

 

" guys, what is happening? " mark pressed on, turning to look at renjun, knowing the younger had answers.

 

" chenle has be- "

 

" hyung, don't, " chenle's voice cut off renjun, making the group of boys turning to look at the boy, who's standing at the door.

 

the younger looked like a mess: hollowed cheeks, sunken eyebags, red-rimmed eyes, and obvious tear-stained cheeks,

 

" chenle baby, " mark starts, standing up on his feet before striding towards the boy in big steps.

 

" mark hyung, " was all chenle could let out before he's brought into an embrace, and when he heard the soft comfort words from the other, he broke down into sobs.

 

the other members who were seated could only look at the hugging duo, worried about the well being of their youngest chinese member.

 

" why didn't you call me when it got worse? " mark asked after a while as he cards his fingers through chenle's hair.

 

" i didn't want to be a burden, " came the soft reply. and mark could feel the crack in his heart enlarging when he heard how exhausted the younger was.

 

" you could _never_ be a burden, honey, " jaemin said from his spot, smiling a little when he sees the subtle movement of chenle's head below mark's chin.

 

" do you wanna sit and tell them? " mark asked with a soft tone and when he felt the nod from the other, he gently waddled both of them towards the others.

 

 

 

 

" so you have depression? " jisung asked softly, hands clasped over chenle's small ones, giving him a sense of comfort.

 

" yeah, " the older replied, leaning his head on mark's shoulder.

 

" do you still hurt yourself? " mark asked, rubbing the boy's knee, before flashing a glance to his arms and hands.

 

" haven't been, " chenle rasped out, showing the expanse of the white lines littering on his skin.

 

he felt himself smile when he sees how happy mark looked, and he felt himself smiling bigger when he was pulled into hugs by different members along with kisses to his scars.

 

" we love you chenle, and remember,

 

 _you could never be a burden to us_. "


End file.
